Nowhere To Go · Random Thoughts

There he was.

I was walking on my way home from the bus stop which was a couple of blocks away from my house.  My car went dead on me that morning so I decided that taking the bus for the day to and from work was what I should do seeing as I have no other option.  Well, it was cheaper anyway and not much of a bother since my work was like 10 minutes away from home.

When I was 3 meters away from my front door, I suddenly stopped in my tracks.  I didn’t know what to do all of a sudden at that moment in time.  It was like all the things that were going on around me stopped and all I heard was silence.

There he was.  Parked in my driveway.  Standing by the door of his car.  Looking down at his feet.  Arms crossed across his chest.

After not seeing each other for quite a while.  After everything he ever did.  After he left me for her.  There he was.

He looked up from whatever it was that was interesting to him on the pavement and slowly turned his head towards me.  I stood there like a deer caught in headlights.  I couldn’t move.  And slowly, I released my breath when I realized that I was holding it for a few seconds already.

Then he slowly smiled at me sheepishly.  That smile.  That goddamn smile that could make me melt instantly.  That f*cking smile that I couldn’t say no to.

He started to walk towards me.  His hands were in his jean’s pockets.  His eyes downcast.  He was walking rather slow in my opinion.  As if he was taking all the time in the world.  Just when he was a couple of steps away from me, I blurted, “What are you doing here?”

He stopped and looked up at me.  His eyes trying to search mine. He walked another step until he was almost a foot away from me.

“I – well, I – wanted to see you.”

Silence.  Silence so deafening, I wanted to cover my ears.

“You shouldn’t be here.  You made your choice a couple of months back.  You went to her.  She was your choice.  I let you go.  You shouldn’t be here,” I said, almost trembling.

“But -"  He started to reach out for me.  He was nearing me.  I was almost scared with what I might do if he didn’t stop.

"No!” I almost yelled, taking a step back away from him.  “Stop.  Please,” I begged.  “Just go.  Leave me be.  I am already getting by without you.”

I turned away from him.  Turned and started to walk to my front door.  I was half wishing that he stops me.  But also half hoping that he wouldn’t seeing as I didn’t trust myself when it came to him. 

“I need you…”

I stopped, halfway through my driveway.  My back was turned towards him.  I didn’t need to turn around to see that he was facing me and that there were tears falling off his eyes.  I just knew just as I knew that he wanted nothing more in this world than for me to turn around and open up my arms for him.

I knew.  Because I was feeling the same way.

“Too late now,” I whispered.  Though I knew he still heard.

When I was finally inside my house, I slid down the inside of my front door and allowed myself to weep, the tears falling freely from my eyes. 

He stayed.  I knew.  For a while.  Hoping against hope that I would come out and say something.  Anything.  But I didn’t.  I didn’t.  And I swear to whichever deity there was that it took all my willpower not to come out running once more into his arms.  It was over.  It was all over when he made his choice.  His decision.  A decision that he couldn’t and wouldn’t be able to change.

I heard him walk back to his car.  I heard him open his car door then close it rather loudly.  I heard him start his engine.  Then I heard him leave.

“It’s too late now…” I repeated to myself.

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