Nowhere To Go

You…


 

You mean the world to me, do you know that?  I’ve loved you for so long and yet you never seem to see me.  To remember me.  To know that once in your sad little excuse for a life, you loved me.  But you mean the whole wide world to me.  Regardless of all that.

It hurts right now, you know.  And I think it will hurt for a long time.  I’ve loved you too much, it hurts.  You will never return what I have for you.  Despite everything I’ve been trying to do for you.  Despite everything that I’ve been working out for you.  For us.  If there’s ever going to be an us.  Which is very very unlikely.
 
I would not not be thinking and wondering about how it is to be with you.  To kiss you.  To hold you.  To talk to you.  To make love with you.  I’ve experienced all that and more with you already.  I know what it’s like to lie in your arms.  I know what it’s like to be kissed by your lips.  I know what it’s like to have your hands on my breasts.  I know how it feels to have you caress my whole body.  I know what it’s like to have you whisper sweet nothings in my ear.  I know how it feels to have you sleep beside me.  I know what it’s like to hear you breathe.  I know your scent.  I know your touch.
 
I know almost everything there is to learn about you. 
 
But since all of those are just nothing to you, then I guess they would just remain memories for me.  I guess I would just have to forge some agreement with myself that you are nothing but a figment of my imagination.  That I only imagined what I felt for you.  That I only imagined being with you.  That you are simply someone that I do not have a connection with.  That you are nothing to me.  Even if it will hurt.  Even if they will all be lies.  And yes, it will definitely hurt.  It hurts now because they are all lies.  And yes, I am lying to myself when I say that you mean nothing to me because you do.  You do and a whole lot more.
 
You broke me into pieces.  When no other person has ever done that to me before.  And here I am – picking myself up, trying to patch things up within me and living a life without you constantly beside me.  I am no Humpty Dumpty that wouldn’t pick myself and patch myself and remain broken for the rest of my life.  I would have wounds.  But they would heal.  There would be scars, imperfections.  But they will be a reminder of you.
 
Just one last thing.  You’re a coward.  For not trying to take a risk with me and for thinking that things would not work out between us without even trying it first.  Maybe I am simply pathetic for pining away for you like this when there are others out there who would worship the ground I walk on and do my bidding because they would like to appreciate me for who I am.  To love me for who I am.  To take a risk with me because they think that I am someone worth of their time.  Unfortunately for me, you are not one of them.
 
I would just content myself with loving you from afar and I will try to get you out of my system.  Even if it will take a long time for me to do that.  I don’t know how.  I don’t know when but eventually. 
 
I love you.  So much.  Remember that.  I hope you have a happy life.
 

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