Nowhere To Go · Random Thoughts

Leaving. Soon.

“I’m leaving.”

Two words.  Two words that I heard from you that night.  Two simple words that I dreaded hearing.

“When?”

I knew the answer to my own question.  You told me that whatever we had – was not permanent.  That soon, it would be over before we knew it.

“Tomorrow night.”

Tomorrow.  Tomorrow night, she would be here.  She would spot you among the crowd in the airport and she would run into your arms, finally reunited with you.

“That soon?”

I couldn’t hide the trembling in my words.  I couldn’t hide my sadness at hearing what you were saying.  I couldn’t hide the tears that were starting to form in my dull, lifeless eyes.

“Yeah.  You know she’s coming tomorrow night.”

Yeah.  You told me that countless times last week.  You couldn’t even believe it that she would be back.  You thought she wouldn’t.  You were not actually thrilled at all that she was coming back.  But you were hers, so even if you did have a choice – you would eventually still choose her.

“Yeah.  But I thought…  Never mind.”

I asked you before.  Who are you going to be with?  Me or her?  I asked you to make a choice.  But then, I was greeted with silence.  And in that silence – I knew that you were choosing her.  Despite being with me longer.  Despite living with me.  Despite everything that we’ve been through.  Despite everything that happened between us.

“We’ve been through this before.  We’ve talked about it.  Please don’t make it harder than it already is.”

You started to pack your things.  Albeit grudgingly.  All the things that you moved into my house.  You thought we will stay together for quite a while.  So every single thing about you and those that you had were with me.  I thought that way too.  But Fate had some other plans.

“I know.  It’s just that…  I thought that…  [sigh]  No.  You made this decision.”

You looked up from your packing.  Looked at me with those lonely eyes.  I knew you didn’t want this.  I knew that if you had a choice, you wouldn’t go with her.  That you would stay with me.  But I just had to say it.  I just had to hurt myself even more by believing that you are leaving me because it was your decision.

“If that’s what you want to believe…”

You finished packing.  You hoisted your bag on your shoulder and stood up.  You walked to the door.  I was silently following you.  You turned to me, cupped my face in your hands and kissed me, ever so gently.  Tears were threatening to fall.  Both from your eyes and mine.

“I don’t want you to go.”

“But you know, I have to.”

“But still…”

“I’ll be back.  I promise.”

And with that, you turned and walked outside.  Leaving me by the front door.  Leaving me standing there.  Leaving me staring at your back as you walked to your car.  Leaving me looking into nothingness as you drove your car away.

I knew you wouldn’t be back.  I knew you would stay with her.  Despite your promises.  Despite your tenderness towards me.  Despite your reluctance to be with her.

I knew you wouldn’t be back.  You were hers.  You weren’t mine.  Never would be.  And I could never hope.  I could only hold on to memories.

“I’m leaving too.  Never to come back.  You wouldn’t see me too.  Even if you try to find me.  Even if you plead to see me.  Just so you know…"  I whispered into the cold air.

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